After watching the presidential debate on Thursday night, a night that must have depressed every citizen that cares about this country, my initial reaction might be an irresponsible one, but at least not one without humor.
Sometimes we have to laugh before we cry.
On the one hand, you had a morally corrupt former president who some say is a threat to our democracy, who refused to answer questions, who said the United States currently is a dumpster ablaze, firing off clusters of lies with the rapidity of an overheated machine gun on important issues; on the other hand, you had a president who couldn’t keep a train of thought, who spoke in incomplete sentences, who seemed at times to be lost in a cloud of … um, what was the subject again?
All of that said, there’s only one thing to do with this election, a sporting thing — cancel the whole durn thing and settle it by way of a golf match. That’s right, save us all the pain of watching so much nonsense, all the turpitude, all the lies, all the bumbling and stumbling around, all the geriatrics, and put it all on the line on the links.
You saw in the debate the fireworks between Joe Biden and Donald Trump over … what’s this? … you’ve got to be kidding, but you’re not … who … has … the … better … golf … swing.
Who’s the better golfer.
(Manuel Balce Ceneta | AP) President Joe Biden drives a golf cart with his brother Jimmy Biden at Andrews Air Force Base, Md., Sunday, June 4,2023.
What would George Washington or Abraham Lincoln have thought about that?
In that moment, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing with my own eyes and ears. What a freaking joke. This is the best we can do to lead the USA, to lead the free world?
There Trump was, offering the worst policies with the best delivery. And there Biden was, offering the best policies with the worst delivery.
It was embarrassing, humiliating for a proud country forced to watch this mess, cascading into the nadir of bickering over who hits purer flop wedges and 5-irons and drivers.
I’ve had better arguments with my buddies in the clubhouse over who would win at Bingo, Bango, Bongo! (That’s a golf game, not Biden stammering.)
One fact-checker said Trump lied more than 30 times, Biden nine times.
Can our country endure four-plus more months of this?
It’s exhausting. More than that, it’s dangerous. Not only were American voters watching the debate, so were leaders of nations across the globe. What were they thinking, allies and foes alike?
A friend suggested that instead of getting all wrapped up in the drama of this election, try sitting back and watching it as you would a movie. The problem with that is, it’s transformed into a horror flick.
Let’s just take it on out to the golf course and settle it there. That would be less harmful to the national psyche, less damaging to our collective mental health. You’re up, Mr. President. As the man currently sitting in the Oval Office, you have honors. Mr. Trump, you can wait. But there will be no jingling of keys on the greens while the other guy putts, no burping or belching or sneezing straight in the middle of backswings, no mulligans.
The only problem with this idea is the matter of cheating, the use of foot wedges, the bad math, the creative subtraction of strokes, the improvement of lies.
We all know which of the two candidates is most adept at messing with lies.
It is said that Mark Twain said, “Golf is a good walk spoiled.”
That’s a lie, too. If Twain ever uttered those words, and that’s very much in doubt, others said it first.
But golf would be a bad presidential election made better.
I say, let’s tee ‘em high and let ‘em fly — and hope for the best. And spare us all, all of us who love this country, the torture of more of what we suffered through this week.
Follow @GordonMonson