Some Latter-day Saints wonder if there is a “middle way” for them — neither all-in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints nor all-out.
That’s where Christian Kimball, a former bishop and self-described “25-year veteran backbencher in a blue shirt and no tie,” has found himself. In his new book, “Living on the Inside of the Edge: A Survival Guide” (currently an Amazon bestseller on Mormonism), Kimball offers practical advice for how adult members can navigate the nexus of affection and disaffection, doubt and certainty, belief and disbelief, activity and inactivity — and be at home on the inside of the edge of Mormonism.
Here are excerpts from The Salt Lake Tribune’s “Mormon Land” podcast in which Kimball discussed his strategy for finding peace in an uncomfortable place.
You were an all-in member — returned missionary, temple marriage and bishop. What prompted you to pull back and move to the edge?
My experience as bishop might be a short way to describe that. It was one of the most important, valuable, powerful things I’ve ever done in my life. And it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life — and very destructive (as it turned out) to my relationship with the church. Doing a couple hundred temple recommend interviews made that whole process feel like a fraud, like a mistake, like something that didn’t work right that I could not manage. After being released, I found for myself that I could not deal with the temple recommend interview process and turned in my recommend. That’s a pretty clear dividing line.
What about the temple recommend interview troubled you?
(Courtesy of Christian Kimball) Christian Kimball, author of “Living on the Inside of the Edge: A Survival Guide."
I felt like the questions were not the right questions. They were not evaluating what might make sense to evaluate if I were to write my own questions. The questions didn’t have good answers. [Bishops] didn’t know what to do when people had half of an answer or even had a question about, well, “what does that mean?” And, ultimately, I came to the feeling that the whole worthiness interview … felt like an entire system was built to control members as opposed to operate the temple in ways that were good or healthy.… I could not pack it into whatever made sense to me as an uplifting, valuable, inspirational religious practice, which is what I wanted.
Have you been happier in the space that you’re in now than when you were a fully practicing member?
Happy is an odd word. I have felt much more whole. I have felt like I’m honest about who I am. I can talk with my bishop about who I am and what I do and what I don’t do. That feels good….For about 10 years — from the mid-90s to the mid-aughts — I silenced myself. No one, no church leader, ever did that to me, but I did. I shut down. … After the November [2015 same-sex marriage] “exclusion policy,” as it came to be known, I decided to stay as much a backbencher as ever, but still to stay involved and engaged. I would take off that filter, that I would stop worrying about how I sound and I would speak up.
Though you were a Latter-day Saint bishop, why do you flatly advise members living on this “inside of the edge” against talking to their bishops — except under certain circumstances?
What I’m really saying is that the general model that we grew up with as members talking to bishops is of a kid talking to a father. You go to your bishop as a father image and as a man who has all the answers, who is speaking to God. This book is saying, if you’re in that liminal world of on the edge, but still wanting to be engaged, that’s not a survivable way to deal with the church. …The only way you can survive that is to restructure your relationship with the church so that you have adult-to-adult conversations. And when you can do that, then, yes, go talk with your bishop.
You’ve had several even profound spiritual experiences and even a kind of miracle, yet you reject what you call “magical thinking.” What do you mean by that?
The magical thinking I’m talking about and that I think is a problem really boils down to certainty. It’s the idea that you will pray and get an answer, that you will ask for a blessing and it will happen, that you will, if you do the right thing, get to heaven. [There is] still room for numinous experiences or for spiritual guidance. The whole range of belief and understanding and ancestral prayer is still available. The thing that I’m saying we can’t go to is the if/then certainty.
What’s wrong with young men thinking they could be Yoda of “Star Wars” and that their priesthood power is like “the Force”?
For some people, Yoda is [the late church President] Spencer W Kimball and the Force is something that you work with [like the priesthood] and you can make good things happen. … But it takes effort, and uncertainty is necessary. Too many took the Force [model to mean] if you get it right, it becomes mechanical. The light saber will turn on every time and then you can lift the [X-Wing] spaceship by force of will. That’s where it becomes a problem. Too many people got the message that if you do everything right, [priesthood] becomes like a light switch.
You describe valid reasons for staying in the church, like family or community ties, but caution that those may not last. Why?
I felt like it was really important to remind people that there’s a dozen different, perfectly legitimate reasons to stay. And you can have your own; you don’t have to wait for someone else to say that one’s OK. These are all OK. …But my belief is to make this work for a long time, you end up with multiple reasons. To take that kind of long perspective, you have to talk about the fact that things change over time.
What has been the response to the book?
What’s been interesting to me — and sort of surprising — is that this book is selling. It’s sort of broken out of the audiences that I was thinking of. What I’m gleaning from individuals who have come back to talk to me, either when I’m speaking or finding me online, is that there’s a broader audience that I’m starting to characterize as quietly in pain. … It’s opening a door to have a conversation [for some] that is constructive, who didn’t want to deal with [their issues], because [they] thought that would be destructive. …I would like to think that’s what it is doing.
To hear the full podcast, go to sltrib.com/podcasts/mormonland. To read a complete transcript and receive other exclusive Tribune religion content, go to Patreon.com/mormonland.
