Many fail to realize that our society has entered one of the most delicate periods of the holiday season. Namely, how to successfully hint at what you want for Christmas.
By definition, a hint is intended to give the purchasing parties the notion that somehow what they get for you is entirely their idea.
It has to be done subtlety. If your significant other is a practical person, just blurting out what you want only complicates the matter. That person will start with the questions.
The first Christmas I was married, I didn’t know this. I simply placed a military surplus catalog in front of my wife and pointed to an item I wanted. I even circled it with a red pencil.
Her • “Don’t you have enough guns?”
Me • “Of course not. What I don’t have is a deactivated 60 mm mortar tube.”
Her • “What would you hunt with that?”
Me • “Nothing.”
Her • “Then why do you want this … big Army gun?”
Explaining to her that Bammer and I wanted to hit the state Capitol dome with racquetballs launched from Ensign Peak would have been a waste of time. She wouldn’t understand. She’s Canadian.
So instead of the tube, I got a sports jacket and some slacks for Christmas. I was initially disappointed until further research revealed that racquetballs didn’t possess the ballistic qualities to reach 2,000 yards.
Also, there are enough soft heads at the Capitol that even a light racquetball might kill someone.
Hinting is a dying art in today’s social media blow hole. I couldn’t blame you for giving it a pass. But if you plan to use it, please know that you need to dispense with the longing looks, the deep sighs and the ridiculous, “casually” placed notes.
The worst “hint” of all is the non sequitur, meaning a comment that doesn’t follow the topic of an ongoing conversation. Example:
Husband • “So I told him that if they gave me the Spackle account, I could triple sales in the next quarter, and then ...”
Wife • “Darlene says she’s getting a Lexus for Christmas.”
Yeah, that doesn’t work. You might just as well stick a gun in his ear or staple a full-page ad to his forehead. You could get what you want, but it will come with a load of seething resentment.
The trick is getting people to give you want you want for Christmas without giving them reason to feel pressured or coerced. You want them to feel good about doing good for you.
The best way is to spread the word among friends and associates. Anyone with a teaspoon of brains will know that getting a significant other the best Christmas present ever is to ask his or her friends what they think.
It’s not guaranteed, but it’s better than assuming you’ve been paying attention for the past year. I once asked a couple of my wife’s friends what they thought she would like for Christmas.
Them • “That you’ll sell a bunch of guns and take her on a debt-free romantic cruise.”
So I did. Best Christmas ever. Came home exhausted. Took six months for me to stop smiling.
If the person you’re shopping for is really your significant other, then you need to put some significant thought into it. It’ll be expensive either way, but only one will make you happy as well.
Robert Kirby is The Salt Lake Tribune’s humor columnist. Follow Kirby on Facebook.
