If The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is dropping “Mormon” to put more Christ in our worship, then why not put more Jesus in our music?
In my mind — which rarely works as well as it should — this would be the perfect time to amp up our presence in popular music.
Other faiths already have done this. My wife’s church plays modern worship music that isn’t anything like the dirges sung in mine. “Christian rock” is played on guitars, drums, bongos and more.
There are even Christian bands that get genuine airplay — Skillet, Switchfoot, Disciple 13, Family Force Five, Newsboys — while deliberately promoting Jesus.
It’s true that some current rock bands have Mormons in them — The Killers, Neon Trees, Imagine Dragons — but their music isn’t exactly LDS-centric.
I don’t listen to Christian rock, so the only religious rock song that comes to mind is the 1972 hit the Doobie Brothers made with “Jesus Is Just Alright.”
But with all the changes going on in Mormonism — excuse me, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint-ism — isn’t it time we started promoting the gospel with our own breakout music?
I’m talking about Mormon rock, or “Mo’ rock” as it no doubt will become known (if it happens). Honestly, I’m more interested in Mormon blues. It wouldn’t take much to tweak a few B.B. King tunes to suit our own purposes.
“The Thrill Has Come,” “Don’t Answer the Door (Unless You’re Ready to Get Wet),” and “Paying the Tithe in Order to Thrive.”
I don’t think the world is ready for Mormon blues. Admittedly, I don’t have a musical gene in my entire head. The last time I played an instrument was the trombone in sixth grade — before my parents got mad and sold it.
None of that means I don’t have a great idea for a Mormon rock ’n’ roll band. All I need are a couple of ripping guitarists, a drummer, keyboardist, a frontman, female backup singers, and a manager.
And some songs.
Since this would be something along the lines of a heavy metal band — or “Mo’ metal” in our parlance — the band would be breaking new ground with messages for the latter days.
We would need a catchy name. I can’t decide between “Blood Atonement” or “Melchizedek Meltdown.”
What I know for sure: Our first album would be titled “Livin’ in the Last Daze” and would spin off our first hit song, “Getting’ a Head Start.” Here’s a taste:
“We began our Jerusalem sally with a murder in an alley. LAAAABAN! You are so DONE! Baptism for the dead only counts if you have a head.”
I know, it doesn’t sound like much just reading it. But if your imagination can factor in the piercing guitar riffs and howling vocals, it definitely would sell. Other songs slated for the debut album:
“Late for Sacrament.”
“I Ain’t No Saint.”
“Missin’ a Mission.”
“Sealed in Crime for All Eternity.”
“Danites Are Just Alright.”
Hey, it’s only an idea at this point. But If we want to stay au courant, as recent changes suggest, we need to step up our musical game.
Robert Kirby is The Salt Lake Tribune’s humor columnist. Follow Kirby on Facebook.
