Years ago, I spent considerable time working in the (deep breath) Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ Utah County Family History Center.
It was a church assignment. I helped people find their ancestors, build family trees and even researched the genealogy of my own family lines.
Loved it.
Being a fan of obscure history — and you can’t get more obscure than my family — I like knowing the bits and pieces that brought us here.
While the information I helped gather no doubt ended up being used for Latter-day Saint temple ordinance work, it was the history that did it for me. I learned how my ancestors came to be in such dubious places as prisons, workhouses, gallows and Utah.
Here’s the thing: I never considered that the genealogical research I was doing might also be used one day to fight crime. Genetic gumshoeing is becoming all the rage.
In May 2018, William Earl Talbott II was arrested for a 1987 double slaying after “genetic genealogy” led investigators to poke around in his family tree.
DNA recovered from the scene told detectives which family tree to grab. From there it was just a matter of shaking it until Talbott fell out.
Although he pleaded not guilty, a trial based on the DNA match earned him two life sentences this month for killing Jay Cook, 20, and Tanya Van Cuylenborg, 18, in Washington state more than 30 years ago.
My own DNA is on file with two genetic banks. Given my nature, I should probably worry. I don’t think I’ve done anything prison-worthy, but, thanks to a misspent youth, my memory isn’t entirely reliable.
While most of 1971-1972 is hazy — including the part when it feels like I was the original drummer for the Eagles — all I can say is that I don’t recall doing anything as bad as Talbott.
That doesn’t leave me in the clear. With constant advances in genetic research, there is a chance that genealogy sleuths someday might knock on my door with a warrant for a 55-year-old shoplifting charge from the Ivy Wild Market.
What if it got so picky they could pin me down as a serial shoplifter until I was 17? You can argue the reliability of science. You can also argue with the president, for all the good it will do you. DNA isn’t going to go away.
Genetics is scary, especially for people who spend years with a nightmare on their consciences, hoping “whew” will never turn into “whoa.”
Not everyone is happy about DNA being used to help the police finally bring monsters to justice. It doesn’t bother me when it comes to violent offenders. It does bother me that insurance companies might someday avail themselves of DNA to prorate life insurance, or universities might use it to determine whether admitting you would be a waste of time.
What if a person you met on a dating website demanded a sample of your DNA before agreeing to meet you? It could come to that.
I have a big enough imagination to believe that the next time I sit down with my ecclesiastical leaders to discuss my personal worthiness, they’ll want to swab the inside of my mouth.
Robert Kirby is The Salt Lake Tribune’s humor columnist. Follow Kirby on Facebook.
