It works like this:
I’m minding my own business when someone anxiously sidles up, looks around to see if we might be overheard, and then blurts out:
Person • “Psst, Kirb! Are you holding?”
Me • “Why?”
Person • “I’m hurting really bad, man. Can you help me out or not?”
Sometimes I’ll pat them down for a wire — although not if they’re women. Normally, I just open my bag and let them help themselves. I understand the need.
Such was the case when, earlier this week, I met with the wife of a midlevel LDS Church official and gave her the drug. For free. I do not look to make a profit off those who are hurting.
Sister X arranged to meet covertly in a mall parking lot. Pulling up next to each other, I looked around to see if there were any vice squad people (both secular and Mormon) lurking nearby, then I passed her the stuff. She was almost tearfully grateful.
Her • “Thank you so, so, so much. How much should I use?”
Me • “A little bit at first. Gradually work your way up to the proper dose.”
Her • “Anything else?”
Me • “Yeah, don’t rub it on your eyeballs, and don’t pet any police dogs.”
A couple of days later, I called to see if Sister X was in jail and/or still alive. She was almost gleeful, thanking me profusely for making her life more bearable.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m talking about medicinal marijuana in the form of an ointment or balm intended to reduce pain in joints and muscles. Helpful as it is, it’s still illegal in Utah.
I hurt. A lot. Innumerable surgeries, fractures and general old age have driven me into this criminal life. So far, THC-based cream is the best treatment I’ve found for what ails me.
You know what doesn’t work? Overwrought and fussy legislators, big corporations, outdated laws and any others who think they have all the time in the world to figure out what works best for people.
Comes now Utah’s Proposition 2, which would be a giant step forward in legalizing a form of marijuana that does not get people high but simply reduces their pain. It has other legitimate uses, but I’m only interested in the ones that apply to me.
So I support the initiative despite lots of “wise” counsel to the contrary. It represents a huge step in the right direction.
I probably have — not that I’m overly proud of it — more experience with marijuana than most of those who oppose it.
The THC ointment will not make you high. The effectiveness of it can vary from person to person, and some forethought should go into its use.
Expectant mothers should not believe THC ointment is an effective substitute for an epidural. I wouldn’t poke it into gunshot wounds, nor would I rub it on my head if I had a brain tumor. I don’t know about applying it to my gums before going to the dentist. I might have to try that one.
Being Mormon, I should point out that I disagree with my church’s stand on Prop 2. It wouldn’t be the first time Latter-day Saints voted contrary to the counsel of their faith’s leaders.
Utah — which was even more Mormon in 1933 than it is today — was the state that pushed the repeal of Prohibition over the top.
Latter-day Saints also voted President Franklin D. Roosevelt to another term despite church leaders’ counsel that it was contrary to the welfare of America.
How we’ll vote about Prop 2 remains to be seen. What I know for sure is that when I cast my ballot, it will be as an outlaw.
