“Chaos isn’t a pit. Chaos is a ladder.”
Those words were said by Petyr Baelish, aka Littlefinger, in season three of HBO’s “Game of Thrones.” Littlefinger was discussing the nature of power and the fate of the realm of Westeros, but I think he could have just as easily been talking about Trader Joe’s.
Specifically, the new Trader Joe’s in Sugarhouse that opened Oct. 11 just off of 2100 South. This new location gives Salt Lakers another place to get their beloved veggie samosas and white cheddar corn puffs. It also adds another rung to the city’s ladder of chaos, helping us climb to new levels of disorder and mayhem heretofore unseen. Imagine Gotham City with spicy tempura seaweed snacks.
2100 South and the surrounding area is already the most chaotic place in Salt Lake City. Thanks to years of seemingly endless construction, traffic is still stop and go, there’s no clear flow of traffic, and someone is likely to step in front of your car at any moment.
All of that can also be said of the second most chaotic place in the city, the existing Trader Joe’s parking lot on 400 South. In many ways, it’s a microcosm of 2100 South. It’s impossible to navigate without rising blood pressure. Everyone in town has somehow arrived at the same time as you. It’s always like this. And it’s fair to wonder if you’ll ever leave or if maybe you just live here now.
Combining these two unstoppable forces of havoc is an idea that I think Littlefinger would be proud of: Why build such a busy store just beyond one of the busiest intersections in town (700 East and 2100 South)? Why add more congestion here? Why, God, why?
Well, it’s a great idea in theory. The 400 South location has shown a clear demand for the franchise’s offerings, and dropping a new store in a neighborhood that matches TJ’s crunchy granola energy is a slam dunk.
But the best-made plans are no match for 2100 South. In the past few years, some long-standing Sugarhouse businesses have shuttered their doors for good. This includes Sugarhouse Barbecue, which closed in June and cited constant construction as part of its demise. It also includes By the Bucket, the spaghetti-in-a-bucket restaurant that closed last month. They didn’t blame construction, but that’s the only conceivable reason why a restaurant serving spaghetti out of buckets could have failed.
Will Trader Joe’s succeed where other businesses haven’t? Probably. Given the choice between assembling a healthy meal from scratch or buying a frozen dinner from a friendly philosophy major, sociable ski bum or happy hippie, most of us will go with option B.
Trader Joe’s has a leg up: People already love it. Plus, it no longer has to contend with all that By the Bucket traffic across the street. TJ’s will be fine. But the rest of 2100 South might not be so lucky — its drivers or its businesses.
What’s the solution? I think that Salt Lake City’s current response to traffic problems, building an unnecessary gondola at the taxpayer’s expense, can work here, too. We could build the Trader Joe’s Gondola Park and Ride™ at the top of the street, then give shoppers a scenic shuttle to and from their destinations while the rest of us cruise 2100 South as we please. (We will still not be pleased.)
A shorter shuttle might work, too. Yes, by now we all know that you build gondolas first and remember buses exist later. But the Trader Joe’s Shuttle™ will be much more cost effective, even after factoring in the cost of the soon-to-be-built Trader Joe’s Shuttle Parking Garage™.
The perfect Sugarhouse waiting room already exists, too — Sterling Furniture Co. You know, that furniture store that never has a single customer but has been open since World War II? (Not an exaggeration.) Imagine waiting for your kung pao frozen chicken in comfort as you sit on a mid-century sofa with an adorable kitten purring in your lap. Yes, the Best Friends Animal Society next door will co-sponsor the Trader Joe’s Bus Line Waiting Room, Presented by Sterling Furniture Co.™
Maybe none of these absurd ideas will be necessary. The new TJ’s looks like it has a bigger parking lot, and maybe only a few lanes of traffic will suffer, leaving the rest of the neighborhood unscathed.
But if it does make things worse, and if the chaos in Sugarhouse gets too much when all you wanted was dark chocolate peanut butter cups, remember these words from another HBO classic, “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”
”I have no problem with crying in a grocery store. I would suggest, however, the next time you feel overwhelmed by something, to go to a different section.”
(Photo courtesy of Brian Higgins) Brian Higgins
Brian Higgins is a writer and comedian in Salt Lake City. He will be headlining Wiseguys Comedy Club in downtown Salt Lake City on Saturday, Oct. 19 at 8 p.m.
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