Like many people my age living in Utah, I’m starting to think it’ll be a long time before I ever own a home. We’re currently renting in a great neighborhood, but even the fixer-uppers on our block are well over $500,000.
It’s easy to feel defeated, but the Utah Legislature recently gave me a great idea on how to effectively get what you want — trick people into giving it to you.
Whoops! Did I say trick? I meant that I want to “strengthen” my neighbors’ decision-making regarding the future of their home. That’s what the Utah Legislature is doing, after all.
Per its current language, Amendment D on 2024 ballots seeks to “strengthen the initiative process” of ballot measures and referendums. If passed, the amendment would then give the Legislature the power to repeal, change or basically do whatever they please with ballot initiatives, regardless of how Utahns voted.
To that end, I would like to “strengthen” a local home by living in it. And it could be yours! Think of what a strong decision that would be.
Many have called the Legislature’s language “misleading.” Lawyers have claimed that it “brazenly lies” to the public. Commenters have called Utah “the most corrupt state in the nation.” Meanwhile, homeowners in my neighborhood claim that I am “harassing them.”
The Utah State Legislature and I are just trying to do you a favor. The same way that making decisions about your state, family and future can be stressful, owning a home can be stressful, too. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone else took care of all of it for you?
Think of how relaxed you would be if you didn’t have to mow the lawn every week or make important decisions about the laws that affect your everyday life. That’s all me and the Utah government are trying to do. Add to your life by subtracting from it.
If you think I’m trying to “squat” or “steal from you,” I’m not. Just as Amendment D will be “clarifying the voters and legislative bodies’ ability to amend laws,” I am simply seeking to “clarify” who will own your home. Which, again, will be me.
Who will be paying your mortgage? Well, the same way you will continue to pay Utah state taxes despite no longer having the ability to affect change, you will continue to pay your mortgage while I live in your home.
And to be clear, this is a nonpartisan issue. Just like the Legislature can change any ballot initiative, whether from the right or the left, I will similarly disregard your political opinions. Whether it’s a Kamala flag or a Trump flag hanging in your lawn, it’s going to be taken down the second I move in, replaced by whatever I want there. Probably “Wu-Tang 2024.”
You’re nervous about this; I get it. The Legislature is nervous, too! They’re trying to protect Utah from “foreign influence on ballot initiatives and referendums,” after all. They’ve chosen to do that by ignoring those initiatives entirely, which I think is proof that sometimes the simplest solution is the most effective.
Similarly, you don’t have to worry about foreign influences on your home! I am not foreign. I was raised in Connecticut, which is hard to pronounce. But not foreign.
Where will you live? What an exciting question! This is precisely the kind of fun challenge you’ll be able to tackle with gusto now that you no longer have to worry about heating bills or democracy.
And if it makes you feel better, you will still be able to pretend to have a say, both with your state government and your house. You can still vote on ballot measures; you just have to accept that the Legislature can legally ignore the results of that vote.
I’ll still be accepting input as well. You will be allowed to tell me that you don’t want your cherished family room turned into a mancave. I will take your input into careful consideration before ignoring it.
If hearing that makes you feel unrepresented, you’re starting to understand perfectly! You will not be represented. The Utah Legislature and I will take care of everything for you. Trust us, we’ve got this! Making choices about your home is a real headache, whether that be the state of Utah or the house you currently live in. That stress will all be behind you if you just give us what we want. House decisions will be entirely out of your hands. Senate ones, too.
What do you say? Do we have a deal?
(Photo courtesy of Brian Higgins) Brian Higgins
Brian Higgins is a writer and comedian in Salt Lake City.
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