Move over Winter Olympics; something more important is making its long-awaited return to the Wasatch Front.
That’s right. Dunkin’, the fast food breakfast and coffee chain formerly known as Dunkin’ Donuts, has returned to the Beehive State with a new location in West Jordan. Some are rejoicing. Many are confused by the rejoicing.
As a longtime champion of Dunkin’, I understand if you don’t get the hype. As a product, it is mostly just OK. It’s certainly not about to upstage the best coffee in the valley (Salt Lake Roasters), the best bagels in the valley (Baby’s Bagels) or even the best donuts in the valley (Fresh Donuts & Deli).
Some things live up to their hype, like Zion National Park or “The Godfather.” Dunkin’ is not in this category. It’s more like Zion on a busy day in July or “The Godfather III.” If I’d had to wait for a Dunkin’ to finally arrive near me, I’d be perfectly whelmed.
But it’s very possible I had a Dunkin’ donut before I learned how to walk, or at least as a reward for learning. Dunkin’ is a way of life back east, as ubiquitous and essential to a community’s wellbeing as a gas station, grocery store or (depending on how bad you need a coffee) a hospital.
The city of Boston is home to 85 Dunkin’ locations alone. My small Connecticut hometown has three on the same five-mile stretch of road. And on a recent trip through the New Haven train station, I encountered a sign that was such exquisite New England poetry, it put Robert Frost to shame.
“Dunkin’ closed,” it read. “Please use the Dunkin’ upstairs.”
Where I was raised, both roads that diverge in the wood lead to Dunkin’. Like a trusted friend, it’s always there when you need it. Can a budding friendship like this exist in a state that’s turned down the franchise several times before?
Probably not. Utah is unlikely to ever run on Dunkin’, but allow me to convince you that it can at least trot on Dunkin’. Here are some reasons why it can be a perfect fit for Utah.
Let’s start with its price point, the most obvious draw. My usual order is a breakfast sandwich and a medium iced coffee, which comes to about $10. It’s no secret that Utah is getting more expensive; for $10 in downtown Salt Lake, your breakfast will likely consist of one small coffee and a picture of an egg. Dunkin’ is here to step in as your new affordable option, even factoring in the gas mileage to get to West Jordan (basically Nevada).
For its price and relative convenience, Dunkin’ also has a pretty solid “not bad” factor. To use a perfectly Boston comparison, it’s like seeing Ben Affleck play Batman. “Sure, whatever,” you’ll say. “I don’t technically have a problem with this.” And there’s even room to be pleasantly surprised.
So it’s not going to win any trophies, but it’s decent enough, has a super fun color scheme, and doesn’t cost a lot. I can’t think of anything that fits that criteria in Utah, but if you can, meet me at the next Jazz game and let me know!
Sorry, that was a low blow to Jazz fans (which includes myself). I’m seeking to unite, not divide. Here’s something every Utahn, young and old, transplant or native, can get behind:
Dunkin’ is not from California. Not even a little bit. It’s not Duncan, the Silicon Valley tech exec that just outbid you by $50,000 with a cash-only offer at the last minute. It’s Dunkin’, and it just wants to give you a dozen assorted.
Of course, there’s an elephant in the room. A large chunk of the state’s populace doesn’t drink coffee. Dunkin’s success might live or die with the LDS population, and while I can’t say that its coffee is worth conversion, its donut holes were heaven sent for church functions. Some of my earliest memories involve a table full of donuts after Sunday mass, lying about how many I ate, praying for forgiveness and doing it all over again the next week.
It’s going to be an uphill battle for Dunkin’ in Utah, but luckily, people in Utah love going uphill. It’s like our whole thing. Just like we love being the underdogs. Like Jimmer draining threes in the NCAA tournament, the Utes stomping ‘Bama in the 2008 Sugar Bowl, or, dare I say, the pioneers setting out to an uncertain future, Dunkin’ is facing long odds. But it’s going to persist no matter what.
Now, is it too dramatic to compare the success of a breakfast chain to the struggle of the pioneers? Maybe. Have I lost my way a bit? Definitely.
But it’s not my fault. I haven’t had my coffee yet.
(Brian Higgins) Writer and comedian Brian Higgins at Utah's new Dunkin' location in West Jordan.
Brian Higgins is a writer and comedian in Salt Lake City.
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