Why do so many women dread Mother’s Day? What are we doing inadvertently, as a community, to perpetuate this pain? And what can we do about it?
Based on my 30 years of clinical experience working with women in Utah, I have a few ideas.
1. Stop defining women primarily by their motherhood status, and celebrate women as unique, multidimensional people.
Motherhood does not equal womanhood. While motherhood is a large and important part of many women’s lives, it is not the defining part of a woman’s identity. Focusing on motherhood as a primary definer of a woman’s value or worth neglects her multidimensional nature. Many mothers have also made incredible contributions outside of the home that may be overlooked when we define women by motherhood. Other women choose to be child-free or would like children and are unable to have them for a variety of reasons. Each woman is on a unique journey, contributing much good — that may or may not include bearing and raising children.
2. Encourage self-care instead of sharing stories that idealize self-sacrifice and self-neglect in mothers.
Mother’s Day tributes shared in church or on social media about “my angel mother” who “always did without” and “never complained a day in her life” and “always put others first” elevate self-sacrifice above any other characteristics. Most mothers want to be seen as real, messy, difficult and multi-faceted. Perpetuating the ideal that self-sacrifice is the defining feature of women only creates new generations of mothers who feel that their dreams and needs don’t matter. If you want to help reduce pain for women, encourage them to take good care of themselves, to explore their goals and dreams and do what you can to nurture and care for the women in your life who have nurtured you.
3. Rather than speaking platitudes of gratitude, notice and value the work they do and share the load in everyday home and family life.
Words of gratitude, cards, flowers and gifts on one special day are wonderful, however, what many women want is practical support in everyday life. Even when both partners are working full-time, women perform the bulk of unpaid work in family life. Much of the unpaid work is also invisible labor — work that is crucial to the functioning of society but often unseen and unacknowledged. If you want to honor the women in your life, start seeing the invisible work they do like planning and executing special events, signing up kids for activities, managing the family calendar, sending holiday cards, tracking what needs to be purchased at the grocery store. Express appreciation for this invisible work, and then decide to take over one of her invisible tasks to lighter her load. If you are a male partner, step up and be a partner in all areas of life as a way to celebrate the woman you love.
4. Avoid saying that all women are mothers. Recognize that some women are not mothers and that insisting that they are mothers may minimize their pain and loss.
Why do we never hear the phrase “All men are fathers?” Because they’re not. We don’t define men by their fatherhood status like we define women by motherhood. Many women long to be a mother, and the fact that they aren’t mothers is painful. Telling them they are mothers can further minimize the loss and pain of infertility, infant loss, death of a child, or not having a partner to have a child with. Acknowledge that not being a mother is painful for many women, grieve with them, and comfort them on Mother’s Day.
5. Don’t assume that all mother-child relationships are positive and nurturing. Recognize that many people have complex, painful, even estranged relationships with their own mother or children.
Relationships of all kinds can be fraught with conflict, abandonment, neglect and abuse. However, when your mother, or your child, is the perpetrator of your pain, Mother’s Day may bring up particularly intense emotions including guilt, grief, shame, rage and jealousy. We can be more sensitive to the variety of mother-child relationships, including individuals where the roles were reversed, and the child ended up caring for their mother. If you have a great relationship with your mother, honor her, while also being aware that not everyone shares your situation.
On Mother’s Day, let’s celebrate the mothers in our lives while also mourning with those who mourn.
(Photo courtesy of Dr. Julie Hanks) Dr. Julie Hanks
Dr. Julie Hanks is a licensed therapist and the owner of Wasatch Family Therapy.
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