Three weeks ago my husband texted me: “Our pride flags were stolen last night.”
I was out of town for work when I learned that sometime between Saturday night and Sunday morning, all six of the pride flags that decorated our front fence were gone. Nothing else had been stolen or damaged. In fact, the thieves left behind the neon-green paracord that we’d used to strap the flags to the fence, as though to say, “We’re not really stealing. We’re doing a good thing here.”
We checked our webcams: Nothing. We called our neighbors to ask them to check theirs: Nothing. We called the police to report what we considered a hate crime: Nothing.
I vacillated between intense anger and sadness. Anger that someone in my neighborhood would do this and then possibly sit in the pews with me the following Sunday. Sadness that there was still so much hate towards my gay son and co-workers.
I was furious that the same people who were livid about the “looting” and “violation of property rights” that purportedly occurred on a very small scale during the Black Lives Matter movement would have no problem looting when it came to Pride Month. Property and positions only matter when it is your position, I thought. I realize these were hugely-generalized assumptions. But still, my disappointment in Utah County grew by another measure.
While still out of town, I told a few of my co-workers about the incident and expressed my anger. After listening to me vent, a co-worker wisely asked, “What’s the gift in this?”
The question took me back. At the time, the “gift” was a whole lot of rage. But I quickly responded, “I’m coming back louder and prouder!”
My husband and I independently determined how we’d show our resolve. He bought three additional webcams and a large Trans, Black Lives Matter and Pride flag mix. I bought six new pride flags to replace the stolen ones and then 10 more to give away.
The evening I returned home, I put up the replacement flags and two signs in our front lawn. On the first sign I wrote, “To the people who stole our pride flags: we hope you unfurl them with pride on your own lawns!” On the second I wrote, “If anyone else wants a PRIDE flag we are giving them away for FREE! Just knock! (during the daytime).” I wrote the message on both sides of the sign to ensure that whichever direction you were walking on the sidewalk, you’d get the message.
After a couple of days, the “gifts” started coming. Sunday morning, one of our neighbors stopped by on their way to church to tell us that their flags were stolen, too. It was comforting to find connection in a shared experience that otherwise would have been isolating.
On Monday while I was at work, my husband (still working from home due to COVID) texted me, “Just spent an hour talking to two middle-aged women who walked by and saw our signs. There are some lovely people in our neighborhood.” And then another, “Two gay men just stopped by and talked to me for like an hour.” And then another, “Two teenage girls just came by and got flags. It’s been a good day.”
Every day, I’d get a text or two from my husband about a flag gifted and a new friendship formed. Not being a member of the dominant religion, he didn’t feel much of a sense of community here in Cedar Hills. This week has changed that for him.
At night in bed, my husband and I would look at the webcam footage to look at their reactions before and after getting a flag. One teenager squealed repeatedly, as she bounced off of our porch, “I think I’m gonna’ cry!,” which made me cry. I watched on the footage as my teenage son actually held more than a three-syllable conversation with a woman who was out walking her dog. I also saw as he shrugged his shoulders when she shared how her pride flag had been stolen, too. We clearly still need to work on empathy.
In the past, I used to dread answering the door. Invariably, it would be a salesperson ignoring our “No Soliciting” sign. But now, I love it! I’ve met so many kind neighbors. So many allies! Moms and dads and aunts and uncles who have a gay child, nephew, or niece. Teens who have just come out to their parents the day before. Gay couples who are visiting family and appreciate the kindness. I’ve given away so many hugs and flags. My new mantra has become “Fight hate with flags!”
In two weeks, we’ve given 22 flags to people in our community. And as I think back to my co-worker’s original question, “What’s the gift in this?” my new response is that it has restored my faith in my community. Rather than looking at my neighbors with suspicion, I’m looking at them with love and gratitude for their support and outreach.
As Jana Reses’ recent research shows, 23% of Gen Zers who identify as LDS say they are lesbian, gay, bixexual or other. It’s time as a community that we unfurl our pride flags and arms to embrace our kids, no exceptions.
As Prophet Bob A. Dylan said, “Come mothers and fathers throughout the land. And don’t criticize what you can’t understand. Your sons and your daughters are beyond your command. Your old road is rapidly agin’. Please get out of the new one if you can’t lend your hand, for the times they are a-changin’.”
Abby Hawkins
Abby Hawkins, Ph.D., is a people operations executive and resides with her family in Cedar Hills.
