Have you ever received a “Needs Improvement” on your report card? Ever struggled to advance from “Meets Expectations” on a performance review at work to an “Exceeds Expectations”? Ever had a “come to Jesus” moment with a spouse or wayward teen?
Recognizing weaknesses, occasional bad behavior or undeveloped skills isn’t an attack. It’s a necessary step toward improvement.
Those on the political right seem to feel that any criticism of America means those making the criticism hate our country. Conservatives experience incredible rage and disgust in response.
But critics aren’t criticizing to show superiority. We have plenty of room for improvement as well. We’re pointing out problems because those problems exist, they hurt millions of our fellow Americans, and something can be done to rectify the problems.
As long as we don’t live in denial.
Like a friend of mine whose father was excommunicated from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints right before her temple wedding. “Don’t tell me why,” she said. “I don’t want to know.”
I heard something similar from a co-worker about her husband. “Bob keeps saying, ‘We need to talk,’ but I know he’ll tell me he’s having an affair, and I can’t bear to hear it.”
When I was a Mormon missionary, my companion and I held “Companion Inventory” once a week to discuss issues we might have with one another, so our resentment wouldn’t fester.
Couples experiencing problems in their marriage often seek out marriage counseling. Families look for family counseling. Does that mean we hate our spouse and kids? Or just that we want to make our marriage and family stronger?
When a conservative Christian leader or politician is caught having an affair, he is readily forgiven by his followers and supporters if he apologizes. Most of us believe, after all, in repentance.
But if America betrays its people and denies it, or rationalizes it, or tries to weasel out of it, that’s not repentance.
If America betrays its ideals, admits it happened, but then doesn’t apologize, that’s not repentance.
If America betrays its people and ideals and does apologize but then doesn’t make restitution to the extent possible, that’s not repentance, either. It’s certainly not redemption.
In the LDS Church, folks who commit semi-serious sins are subject to what used to be called “disfellowship.” (Now they call it “formal membership restrictions.”) Once they pass probation and prove themselves worthy again (by admitting their sin, vowing not to commit it again, and making appropriate restitution for whatever they’ve done), they’re welcomed back into full fellowship.
Mormons call the church tribunal a “court of love.” Even when a member is excommunicated for serious sin, we’re told the act of expulsion is done out of genuine care and consideration. We’re helping our loved ones take the difficult steps to make amends and become the better people we know they can be.
So why does it mean I hate America if I point out a flaw or two that needs attention?
What many essential workers, people of color and folks on the left feel is that we’ve become the person our spouse doesn’t want to go to marriage counseling with. Our spouse doesn’t even want a divorce. Our spouse simply wants to kill us and bury us in the desert. We’re the unwanted toddlers drowned in the bathtub.
We read what our conservative friends and family post on Facebook. We see the news reports of militias planning to attack us and hear the deafening silence of your refusal to condemn such behavior. For years now, realizing we were always the ones reaching out, we wait for you to initiate contact, with an email or phone call or holiday card that shows you even care we’re still alive.
When we see you cheering people and policies that demonize us, when you post memes about putting us in prison, when you see us shot or arrested for peacefully protesting — pointing out one or two of America’s legitimate flaws — and say with a shrug that we got what we deserve, we understand something that you don’t.
We know what it feels like to have our loved ones wish us dead.
America, we need to talk.
But please don’t panic. Let’s all take a deep breath. It’s going to be OK. We love you, and together, despite your flaws and ours, we can find a way to work all of this out.
Johnny Townsend
Johnny Townsend, Seattle, is the author of, among other works, “Breaking the Promise of the Promised Land,” “Human Compassion for Beginners” and “Am I My Planet’s Keeper?”