Obsessed with the news, people? Perfectly reasonable, given our terrible health crisis. Still, it may be possible to go overboard. For instance, nobody really needed to be counting the number of times coronavirus czar Mike Pence dropped the name of his boss the president during that town hall meeting on Fox News.
OK, it was 45. But you’re going off the edge if you also counted Donald Trump saying “I” 149 times.
Dr. Anthony Fauci, a member of the Coronavirus Task Force we’ve gotten to know awfully well lately, had everybody wondering when he briefly disappeared from the White House press conferences. His absence occurred shortly after …
A) He told an interviewer he’d learned a lot listening to Donald Trump’s theories on hydroxychloroquine.
B) He told an interviewer that when Trump starts playing medical expert, “I can’t jump in front of the microphone and push him down.”
C) He signed a very lucrative contract to be a Lipitor TV spokesman.
Yes! It’s B. Dr. Deborah Birx stepped in for Fauci briefly, repeatedly responding to queries with, “That’s a great question!” Birx never challenged the president’s scientific expertise, but some people did notice that when he began talking about medical issues, her eyes blinked rapid-fire.
Anyhow, if you got that right, you get an A for achievement. Or at least Aching Desire For Distraction. Let’s see what else you’ve picked up with a quick quiz:
1. At one of his press conferences, Trump did admit there were indications in advance that a pandemic was coming. When asked why the United States wasn’t better prepared, he said: “The only thing we weren’t prepared for was …
A) The fact that it would make people sick.”
B) The fact that it’s catching.”
C) The media.”
2. After observing Trump’s handling of the coronavirus crisis, Hillary Clinton tweeted …
A) “I guess it’s possible to be germaphobic without getting rid of any germs.”
B) “Frightened? Blame the Electoral College.”
C) “Please do not take medical advice from a man who looked directly at a solar eclipse.”
3. Come Easter, Trump says he wants to see …
A) Kids hunting for eggs wrapped in face masks.
B) “Packed” churches.
C) Coronavirus Cottontail.
4. When Trump learned that Mitt Romney had self-quarantined after possible exposure to the virus, the president seemed sort of, um, amused. That drew a certain amount of criticism — especially since Romney’s wife has a preexisting condition. When the senator’s result came back negative, Trump tweeted …
A) “This is really great news! I am so happy I can barely speak.”
B) “God is still going to punish him for that impeachment vote.”
C) “Romney should have used a new test I’ve discovered which is based on grapefruit and panda blood.”
5. Discussing the congressional stimulus bill, Trump tried to clarify his position on stock buybacks, explaining …
A) “When stock rises, sadness falls.”
B) “I don’t actually know — damn it, I’ve got a virus to worry about.”
C) “Maybe I view that as a little bit differently than somebody that didn’t and somebody that built plants all over the United States — of which there were plenty of them, too.”
6. One Cabinet official on prominent display at the coronavirus press conferences has been Ben Carson. The secretary of housing and urban development didn’t necessarily inspire conference when he …
A) Suggested curing the virus “is a job for us brain surgeons.”
B) Occasionally appeared to be falling asleep.
C) Recommended that Americans who are nervous “might find this is a good time to relax on a cruise.”
7. Meanwhile in Texas, Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick said that in order to jump-start the economy, older people like himself should be willing to …
A) Go Christmas shopping very, very early.
B) Volunteer to bring meals to the needy.
C) Die.
8. Oklahoma Gov. Kevin Stitt has deleted a tweet he posted recently, when the state was announcing its eighth coronavirus case …
A) “If I ever have to choose between Dr. Fauci and Donald Trump, I’m going with the guy with the medical degree.”
B) “Hey, did anybody hear anything about grapefruit and panda blood?”
C) “Eating with my kids and all my fellow Oklahomans at the @CollectiveOKC. It’s packed tonight!”
9. Brady Sluder, 22, became briefly famous for telling a TV reporter he wouldn’t let self-distancing get between him and a good time on spring break. (“If I get corona, I get corona. At the end of the day, I’m not gonna let it stop me from partying.”)
Now Sluder has recanted, saying he will use the experience …
A) “As motivation to become a better person.”
B) “As a warning I will share with every single girl I meet at the bar tonight.”
C) “In my new job as a consultant to Jared Kushner.”
10. The president still has media favorites he’s paying attention to. Just the other day he told a press conference he’d heard “one of the networks” reporting that no other president had ever been able to …
A) “Look straight into a solar eclipse without sunglasses.”
B) “Do what I’ve done in slashing all of the red tape and everything.”
C) “Scare so many people without using any weapons.”
ANSWERS: 1-C; 2-C; 3-B; 4-A; 5-C; 6-B; 7-C; 8-C; 9-A; 10-B.
Gail Collins | The New York Times (CREDIT: Earl Wilson/The New York Times)
Gail Collins is an Op-Ed columnist for The New York Times.
