My wife and I recently accepted the loss of a shared dream. We jointly resigned our memberships in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
The dream once entailed baptized children, perfect-looking family photos in front of the temple, callings, missions, Sunday choirs and following the general program into old age.
For years, I spent hour upon hour in prayer, scripture study, historical research, temple-attendance and counseling with trusted authorities. I became the Little Dutch Boy plugging hole after hole in the leaking dam. Issues with church history, disagreements with policies or practices and validity of truth claims were just some of the leaks. All the while, a toxic combination of anger, depression and fear stewed beneath the smiling mask I wore.
In 2014, the dam burst. I explained to my loved ones that the church no longer aligned with my internal beliefs. Many expressed their unconditional love. Others bore heart-felt testimonies. Some confessed similar feelings.
Others believed I was under Satan’s control. One close friend stated he couldn’t trust his children to be in our home any longer. Such words were worse than being kicked while I was down; they were anvils dropped onto my chest.
Today, what others think of my decision is less important. However, I still value the relationships that were cultivated while in the church. In that spirit, I propose a pact with my Latter-Day Saint friends and family.
• Mutual Respect I will respect your beliefs. I will not try to convince you to leave the church. I have no desire to rob you of your faith or happiness. I will not mock you or the church’s leaders. I will not pressure you to choose between your religion and our relationship. Please do the same for me. Let’s avoid debates. Please refrain from tagging, texting, emailing, or dropping off church-sponsored articles. Anonymous letters calling for repentance are not welcome. Cookies are fine. Please accept me and my family members for who and where we are. I will do the same for you.
• Kids I will teach my kids to respect your children’s beliefs. If your child bears testimony or expresses belief in a certain religious concept, I’d like my child to respond, “Thank you for sharing your beliefs. I respect them. Would you like to hear mine?” We will not undermine you or attempt to influence your children’s religious views. Please do the same when our children are in your home.
• Let’s Talk There’s an uncomfortable distance between myself and some neighbors since stepping away. We used to have conversations. Now, we smile and wave. Maintaining our relationships will require us to talk. I am interested in your life. I want to know how you’re doing. I want to hear about your family’s accomplishments and offer my support during struggles. I’m sure you desire the same. I want to hear about your callings in the ward and your child’s missionary experiences. I will pray with you. I am willing to help someone move or participate in projects that benefit our community. I have no issue stepping inside the chapel to honor someone at a funeral or enjoy an ecumenical service.
• A New Kind of Zion At times, we’ve strongly considered placing a “For Sale” sign in our front yard. It would be easier to begin our new dream someplace else, but Utah is home. You are still our home.
In conclusion, feel free to cry for, be angry at, or pity us. When those feelings pass, let’s get together for a BBQ. Let’s attempt to love one another despite our differences. Let’s try to build a new kind of Zion.
Bryan K. Bostick
Bryan K. Bostick, Salt Lake City, teaches writing at Western Governors University and is the author of the Huber Hill Trilogy, a series of adventure novels for young readers.
