So it has come to our attention that people were annoyed there was a bonus microphone in their Google-owned Nest they had not been told about. First, whoops! We definitely meant to tell people, because there is no reason they would not have been excited by it. That yelling we hear outside our offices is almost 100 percent excitement, we are sure.
Anyway, just to get people to calm down, here is a rundown of some exciting features we also inadvertently neglected to mention but know you are going to just love!
First off, there is a surprise camera in your microwave. Don't worry; this camera is set to record only when you are saying something noteworthy. We were planning to release this feature by announcing, "Want to see everything interesting you've ever said in front of your microwave?," and then you could have gone online to watch a slideshow of your most illuminating remarks. This would have gone over well!
Your icemaker has been capturing your image, but not in an invasive way! It might have been more fun to find this out when your icemaker had finally amassed enough information to 3-D print your image in ice and serve it to you as a custom cube, but now you are finding out this way (Booo!) instead of that way (Yay!). Aren't you sad you were so inquisitive? We were also sharing this data with people who make custom human-ice-cube trays but only so you could get better, more targeted advertising.
We just love to innovate. If you, like us, are passionate about getting advertisements that are tailored to your preferences, then you will be relieved that your printer is trying very hard to record intimate moments you share with your spouse so that when Valentine’s Day next comes around, it will — without warning — print out the three exact words of affirmation your spouse most hoped to hear! We just feel awful we spoiled that surprise. Arrgh!
There is also a drone concealed inside your car's GPS apparatus which, if you have too much trouble with a bug trapped in the car and say the command phrase, will issue from your air conditioning vents and hunt the bug to death, though we haven't figured out how to shut it off once activated, and also we might have forgotten the exact command phrase. Anyway, just try not to say anything too obvious like "Get that bug!," if you see a bug. Instead, confine yourself to neutral comments when a bug is loose in your vehicle — or, no, was it neutral comments that activated the drone? I think we didn't want it to be something obvious. Just remain silent the next time there is a bug loose in the car.
The point is, the drone was going to be a surprise! See, are you happier now? I'm not. This is why it's easier just to let us disclose these things on our own time. Your SmartHome security device also contains an army of nanobots that can be unleashed to rewrite the DNA of any intruder. SO COOL!
We forgot to mention there is a homunculus encased in your toaster. He is being trained for a higher task and, in the meantime, is earning his keep by pushing the toast in and out. If you see tiny silver fingers protruding from the toaster, blink, and we promise they will not be there when you look back. If you find a tiny handwritten advertisement for face cream next to your toast one morning, that is his doing and is really just a cool feature you should be stoked about! Think of it as just one more targeted ad! People love targeted ads! Or do they ... not? Well, we weren't going to tell you about him until we'd trained him to make custom shoes, but it looks like that GLORIOUS DREAM is over thanks to your privacy concerns, or whatever.
Your smart thermostat is trying to teach itself to love. Don't mind it, but if one morning, as you are making adjustments, it compliments you in a halting, mechanical voice, just, like, be polite to it. Please, we need the data. If it says anything too forward, there's a hotline you can call. Ugh, aren't you sad this won't be a fun surprise? How much fun would it have been to hear in the Christmas ad season, "Now your house CAN LOVE YOU BACK!" There is a tiny off-chance it will learn how to hate instead, but you will be able to tell right away because the house will become either very hot or very cold.
We think that's it! Why aren't you smiling? (Sorry, we forgot: There is another camera in your laptop other than the one you already put tape over! Come on, smile! If you don't smile soon, every targeted ad you get is going to be for wrinkle cream, and you won't like that one bit!)
Alexandra Petri | The Washington Post
Alexandra Petri is a Washington Post columnist offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of “A Field Guide to Awkward Silences.”
Twitter, @petridishes.
