First, congratulations, (Name of Company)! Either through shrewd negotiation, or completely by accident because you did not realize Facebook had decided to give you this access until The New York Times called, you have successfully acquired all my personal data! I am sure that, like any good collector, you are wondering: What makes this addition to your portfolio special? What value does it bring?
I have taken the liberty of annotating each item.
(1) Search history: A rich, strange document with many twists and turns, this should make fascinating, even alarming reading for young and old. Running the gamut from "what is my temperature" to "warren harding sex letters" to "is it safe to eat partially cooked meat that has been left out for three hours" to "sexy young chester a. arthur," it is a thrill ride and is especially valuable as blackmail.
(2) Browser history: A travelogue that evokes "The Odyssey" at times. You will be tempest-tossed from tab to tab, each an Aeaea in its own right, including:
• The Bizarre Mating Ritual of the Banana Slug
• How To Regrow Nails
• Can You Mail A UPS Envelope In A Mailbox
• Prurient Latin Vocabulary List
• Recent Mark Trail Comics
• Wikipedia page for Tiny Tim (Musician)
• Vengeance on High School Bully
• Charm Strange Quark
• Deep Space Nine Fanfiction
• Avocado Toast Recipes That Will Please Everyone
• How Many Packages of Spaghetti in a Pound
• Wikipedia page for Warren G. Harding [Contents: Personal life]
• Wikipedia page for Chester A. Arthur [Contents: Personal life]
• Disney Princes
• Garfield: His 9 Lives
(3) Chat records: Although the varied and evocative use of response GIFs does offer some value here, I can't imagine these are worth very much, since they are mostly records of me failing to respond to group messages and then acknowledging several weeks later the exciting news that Karen is getting married. Another characteristic that will detract from their resale value, although it may convey a certain vintage charm, is the embedded record of battles against my autocorrect, valiantly fought but ultimately futile.
(4) Likes: These are largely worthless because I am fairly profligate with them. But perhaps special attention can be afforded to the instances I have responded to posts with the "Wow" reaction, as I am still not sure I am using it right and not, in fact, disrupting my friendships.
(5) People I am friends with: I am not sure this is actually useful data! Thanks to some sort of mix-up, I technically have no private personal profile and only exist as a public entity, so I am just pretty much friends with whoever!
(6) Whatever feeds personalized ads: My failure to post any wedding pictures on Facebook despite the occurrence of my wedding six months ago has, I think, addled the algorithm. It no longer knows what to make of me or what my interests are. For the past half-year, I have been haunted by the same image of a leopard-print dress I do not want. Emulate my data points, and you, too, can experience the thrill of being hunted everywhere by images of a leopard-print dress you do not want. It is kind of fun, like the Least Dangerous Game.
(7) Contact information: This already is in the hands of so many telemarketers that I cannot think it possesses any rarity.
Alexandra Petri | The Washington Post
Alexandra Petri is a Washington Post columnist offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of “A Field Guide to Awkward Silences.”
