I cannot believe the things that Omarosa Manigault Newman shed light on in her new tell-all, “Unhinged,” and her steady trickle of tapes. Among the stunning Trump revelations:
• On Nov. 8, 2016, millions of people across America, including a majority of white women, went to polling places and voted to elect Donald Trump president of the United States.
• On July 21, 2016, Donald Trump stood up in front of a large crowd of Republicans and announced that “I alone can fix it,” and they clapped and cheered and he accepted the party’s nomination for president of the United States. Donald Trump!
• Donald Trump was captured on tape saying that there were good people on both sides at Charlottesville, where a white supremacist allegedly killed a woman by ramming his car into a crowd of protesters.
• The book reveals that Donald Trump and Manigault Newman, two former stars of “The Apprentice,” have both been in the Situation Room, because Donald Trump is the president of the United States.
• Donald Trump has been caught on tape sitting behind the desk in the Oval Office making executive decisions as president of the United States, and sometimes he signs bills into law.
• Donald Trump has still not released his tax returns!
• There are tapes of Donald Trump representing the United States at diplomatic functions in which he insults our allies and shakes everyone’s hand very weird.
• There are tapes of Donald Trump saluting a North Korean general and lavishly praising Kim Jong Un, the North Korean dictator.
• Donald Trump apparently starts each day by watching “Fox and Friends” and live-tweeting his responses to it.
• Donald Trump named his daughter and son-in-law as special advisers. His son-in-law, Jared Kushner, was specifically charged with bringing about peace in the Middle East, although he has admitted to having no particular expertise or experience in this area. His security clearance was for a time lower than that of the White House calligrapher, but he is still supposed to be bringing about peace in the Middle East.
• There was a guy Anthony Scaramucci who served as communications director for only 10 days before he called a writer for the New Yorker and in a profanity-laced tirade accused Steve Bannon of extraordinary flexibility and self-regard, and then he was fired. This really happened!
• Donald Trump appointed Steve Bannon his chief strategist! Steve Bannon! Steve “Economic Nationalism” Bannon, who ran Breitbart.com and made it a foul and loathsome cesspool of bad ideas on purpose.
• Stephen Miller is a human being who is allowed to set policy in the White House, although he frequently says things like The Statue of Liberty Was Meant to Shoo People Away and views even legal immigrants as a threat.
• There are tapes that reveal that Donald Trump went to Puerto Rico after the devastation of Hurricane Maria and threw paper towels into the crowd to show that he was helping.
• Donald Trump revoked the security clearance of John Brennan because he is responsible for a “witch hunt.”
• Donald Trump fired the director of the FBI!
Oh no, I'm sorry. These are not in the book. These are just matters of public record. But I'm sure the book has stunning revelations, too.
Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter, @petridishes.