Maybe you missed the invitation that arrived with your mail-in ballot, but with elections grinding everyone down, it made sense to throw a sort of Utah Politics Monster Mash to get everyone together in their Halloween costumes for a night of fun and treats.
I got to the bash a few minutes late and stood next to an old political insider as we surveyed the room.
“Check out Mike Lee’s costume,” he said. “He’s Anakin Skywalker from the ‘Star Wars’ movies.”
“Odd choice. Why’d he go with that?” I asked.
“The story arc appealed to the senator. Somewhere along the way his ambition to wear a black robe turned him to the Dark Side,” my buddy said.
“What was it Obi-Wan said? ‘He’s more machine now than man’? Seems fitting,” I said.
“Probably explains why Luke Skywalker is backing Evan McMullin,” he replied.
“Speaking of Evan, did he show up as a McMuffin?” I asked.
“No. He’s right over there,” he said, gesturing across the room.
“He’s a car?”
“He’s a 2016 Honda Civic. It’s not really anyone’s dream car, but I think he hopes people think it’s good enough and realize they can rely on it,” he said.
“Rely on it to not break down?” I asked.
“To not try to overthrow democracy,” he replied.
“That’s on point. Who’s that guy dressed as a tire?” I asked.
“That’s not a tire. That’s Chris Stewart,” my friend said. “He’s an Amazon Alexa. Because he does whatever he’s told to do.”
“Not wrong. What’s going on over there? There seems to be glass just kind of floating in mid-air next to the punch bowl,” I said.
“Oh, that’s Burgess Owens, he’s the …”
“… Ah. Invisible Man. I get it. Because nobody has seen him in the two years since he got elected.”
“Exactly. He really nailed the costume. You know, he actually showed up to that debate a couple weeks ago, after all. Stood at the podium the whole time, didn’t get a single question because nobody saw him.”
(Xiangyao "Axe" Tang | Pool) Darlene McDonald, left, and January Walker speak in a 4th Congressional District debate at the University of Utah in Salt Lake City, Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2022. Rep. Burgess Owens did not attend and was represented by an empty podium.
“It’s perfect. I’m a little unclear on why Spencer Cox is dressed up as Gayle Ruzicka.”
“Well, that wasn’t really his choice. The Legislature changed the Constitution a couple years ago, so now they get to pick his costume.”
“I missed that, I guess. And Deidre Henderson dressed as … is she Marie Antoinette?” I asked.
“Yeah. She says it’s because she’s been trying to run this election and people on her own side keep wanting to lop off her head.”
“I see Mitt Romney over there looking a little less stiff than normal. Looks like he’s a zombie.”
”Yeah,” my buddy said. “Politically, all the Republicans see him as a dead man walkin’.“
”I get it. But those zombies can be pretty hard to stop. Better than his Pierre Delecto costume, though. I see House Speaker Brad Wilson over there, right? Dressed as some kind of fish.”
“He’s Aquaman. He hopes that if he has dominion over the sea he can use his superpower to refill the Great Salt Lake,” my friend explained.
“More realistic than building a pipeline from the Gulf of Mexico,” I said. “Of course there was going to be a Donald Trump costume here. Is that Stuart Adams?”
“Actually that’s Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall. She thought this was the best way to get Republicans in the Legislature to be nice to her for once.”
“Ah, so that guy dressed as a puppy dog following her around everywhere must be …”
“… Yep. That’s Sean Reyes.”
It was about that point I woke up, realizing I’d dozed off after eating half a bag of full-sized Snickers. The whole party, it seems, had just been a crazy dream fueled by my sugar frenzy.
Or was it?
