Dear Ann Cannon • My mother has recently gone into a care center and my three siblings and I all have different ideas about what’s to be done with her house. How do we arbitrate this without killing each other?
— Wants to Do Right by Our Mother
Dear Wants to Do Right • Thanks for this excellent question. It’s one that many people will relate to.
No doubt about it, you and your siblings have entered challenging territory — a fraught place where relationships can easily be damaged, sometimes beyond repair. I would be interested in hearing tips from our readers who’ve managed to do this successfully.
In my opinion, a meeting among the siblings without their significant others is a good place to start. It should be acknowledged upfront that there are a lot of moving pieces in situations like these and that not everyone is going to have all of his or her desires and expectations met. Then each person should be allowed to fully state without interruption what those desires and expectations are before negotiations commence. You might even have a conversation like this in a public place like a restaurant where people are more likely to behave themselves. The only problem is you MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HEAR EACH OTHER in a restaurant because gah! Restaurants these days are so noisy!
If it appears that you can’t resolve things among yourselves, consider bringing in a third party to arbitrate your discussions — a family friend who knows you all and has your mother’s best interest at heart, though finding someone who wants to do this will probably be difficult. You might even consider hiring someone to mediate — a therapist or an attorney, though costs will be involved if you do. Still, if you can save relationships as a result and (most importantly) do right by your mother, the expense would be worth it.
Best of luck.
Dear Ann Cannon • How do I get along with my idiot brother who’s so righteous in his own mind but treats my family and my elderly mother like crap? I can’t even stand to be in the same room with him.
— Sister
Dear Sister • I have a question for you. Do you really want to get along with this “idiot” brother? It sounds like there’s a case of mutual antipathy going on here. That can happen with brothers and sisters. As I’ve said in this column before, sometimes we would never choose our siblings to be our friends, but there we are — connected anyway.
I have two responses, depending on what it is you really want.
1. If you truly want a deeper connection with this brother, you should talk to him. Tell him what you want and why. Then let him know as kindly as possible that his behavior and/or attitudes feel hurtful to you. Ask him if this is what he actually intends where you are concerned. Who knows, he may be surprised that he’s coming across as he does.
2. If, on the other hand, you’re only looking for a way to spend time in the same room with him when necessity dictates (and that’s OK, too), then treat him with the same kind of distant politeness you reserve for difficult strangers you encounter when you’re out in public. Like the British said when threatened with air strikes at the beginning at World War II, keep calm and carry on.
Ann Cannon is The Tribune’s advice columnist. Got a question for Ann? Email her at askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.
