Dear Ann Cannon • I have a medical condition where I need a specialist, but there aren’t many doctors in my area who deal with my disease. The only doctor who can treat me is condescending, impatient and feels he knows it all (which he obviously does), and has a lousy bedside manner. I’m a person who has had a successful career and knows a thing or two, but this guy treats me like the village idiot. It’s almost more painful to go to each appointment and interact with him than to live with my illness. What can I do?
— Ms. NOT the Village Idiot
Dear Ms. NOT the Village Idiot • Ugh. Arrogant doctors. Who needs them? (Answer: We do sometimes. SADLY.)
If you’ve read this column, you already know My Main Rule for Life is this: If you can live with something that isn’t a big deal in the larger scheme of things, then do. If you can’t, then say something. Meanwhile, here’s a third option. Let me say what needs to be said FOR you and then hand your doctor a copy of my column.
Dear Dr. Specialist • You know that woman who handed you a copy of my column just now? The woman you’ve been busy patronizing? FYI, she’s a professional in her field, just like you’re a professional in your field. Would you want her to treat you in a condescending manner if you needed her help? Would you want her to be impatient with your questions? In other words, would you want her to treat YOU like you’re the village idiot? I didn’t think so.
But even if this woman weren’t a professional in her own right, is it really a good idea for you to treat patients badly? No. It isn’t. You’re a smart guy, Mr. Doctor. I know you can do better.
Sincerely,
Ann Cannon
Dear Ann Cannon • My husband’s and my health has been precarious lately. Our children feel like they should be here to take care of us, but frankly if they came (all from out of town and bringing their children with them), they would be more of a bother than a help. We have friends here who can help us with day-to-day care and would like to take care of our needs without disrupting their lives and ours. How do we express this to our children without hurting their feelings?
— Sick in Salt Lake City
Dear Sick • First, let me give a big old shoutout to your kids for wanting to help. I’ve heard from parents who have the opposite problem. When something needs to be done, their kids go MIA. Still, in this case, I think you absolutely do need to be up front with your children. I can’t guarantee there won’t be hurt feelings, but you can lessen that possibility by couching what must be said between two positives, right? “You guys are absolutely the best kids who ever walked the face of the planet! Right now, though, it works better for me and Dad to have neighbors help out. But again, thank you SO MUCH for wanting to do right by us.”
Good luck. I hope this helps!
Meanwhile, I heard from several readers who felt like my advice to the mother of a less-than-perfect son didn’t go far enough. This letter gives an important perspective.
Dear Ann Cannon • I read your column this morning from the woman whose daughter-in-law confided in her about her husband’s behavior, and it raised some concerns in my mind.
You’re right — there may be something else going on and he may need help himself. What your writer describes, though, sounds uncomfortable and possibly serious, and the young wife doesn’t have to go it alone. She’s fortunate to be able to reach out to her caring in-laws, but I hope she will also contact a professional. She can contact Utah Domestic Violence Coalition hotline: 1-800-897-LINK (5465) and talk to someone there. I would urge her to do this right away. Having a better understanding of what’s happening and how to deal with it will be the most positive step she can take.
Ann Cannon is The Tribune’s advice columnist. Got a question for Ann? Email her at askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.
