Dear Ann Cannon • I have a good friend who lost her brother two years ago. She doesn’t seem to be getting over his death. Is it possible for someone to get “stuck” in their grief? How can I help her do to move on? It doesn’t seem to me like she’s landed in a very emotionally healthy place.
— My friend’s BFF
Dear BFF • Thank you for your question. As it turns out, I’ve been thinking about this very issue recently.
OK. Grief is personal and the expression of grief is personal, too. Some people, depending upon both temperament and (frankly) the circumstances, can work through it relatively quickly. Others, not so much. You ask if it’s possible for someone to get “stuck” in their grief. The answer is … I don’t know. I’m not a professional therapist. I do know, however, that you can’t put a timetable on grief, for yourself or for another person.
The reason I’ve been thinking about this subject is that we’re coming up on the anniversary of the death of my friend who died suddenly a number of years ago. We had known one another most of our lives and were in constant contact. After we’d share our stories and go over the events of our days, she would sigh happily and say how lucky she felt to live her life and my life, too. We were close like that.
Her death, needless to say, was an enormous blow to me and to the many people — family, friends and co-workers — who loved her. Weeks, months, even years went by. My grief did not diminish. And then one day I realized that I was holding onto my grief because at some level I was afraid that if I let it go, I would lose my friend all over again.
This growing realization, as well as the passage of time, helped me to move on. And the miracle of it all was that when I finally let go of my grief, my friend came back to me in my memories, unfettered by shock and sadness, as her vivid remarkable self.
The takeaway here? It is possible to move past a prolonged period of grieving, but only when the griever is ready to do so. There are certainly resources to help with this. Therapy works for some people. The same holds true for grief support groups or even self-help books such as the classic “Healing After Loss” by Martha W. Hickman.
In the meantime, what can you do for your friend? Remind yourself that you can’t “fix” her. But you can be present. And patient. And provide diversion. I wish you and your friend the very best. She’s lucky to have you.
Dear Ann Cannon • Sometimes I bring doughnuts into work to share on a Friday. One of my colleagues is very rude and complains about how it’s going “to go straight to my hips” and grouses at me for making her fat. I want to say, “Look, no one is forcing you to eat the doughnuts!” It’s not like I’m bringing food every day, and most of the people appreciate having a treat once in a while. But this woman is making it so unpleasant, I’m thinking of giving up bringing in food altogether. Do you think I should?
— The Doughnut Maven
Dear Maven • Mmmmmm. Doughnuts.
Oh! Sorry. I was just channeling my inner Homer Simpson for a minute.
My advice? DO NOT LET MRS. CRANKYPANTS RUIN THE REINDEER GAMES FOR EVERYBODY ELSE! So what if one person in the office complains? I can totally promise you that the rest of your co-workers are planning to nominate you for Time’s Person of the Year. Carry on is what I’m saying.
Ann Cannon is The Tribune’s advice columnist. Got a question for Ann? Email her at askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.
