Dear Ann Cannon • My husband’s ex-wife says bad things about my family. We (thankfully) only have to interact with her at weddings, funerals and school performances. Still, it’s very painful to hear the kids mimic rude comments about my elderly father, who has never been anything but kind to them. How should I respond?
— Stepmom
Dear Stepmom • You’re right. It IS good news that your contact with your husband’s ex is so limited. Winning is what I say. I’m assuming, however, she’s the one who makes fun of your elderly father when the kids are with her, which is why they mimic him, too. I’m sorry. This must be extremely hurtful to you, especially since, as you say, he’s always treated them with kindness. Plus, he’s old. Your husband’s ex-wife should be ashamed of herself, although I’m sure she isn’t.
Why do your stepchildren follow her lead? Probably because they’re kids. Even good kids can be capable of casual, even clueless cruelty at times. It may also be a semi-conscious effort on their part to curry favor with their mother, as well as a way to express some residual resentment about their parents’ divorce, even if they like and accept you. Human beings! We’re just all so complicated!
In the end the only actions we can control are our own. In other words, you can’t force your stepchildren to change if they don’t want to. Still, if you haven’t already, I would think about having a conversation with them. Kindly explain that you find it hurtful when they mock your father. Tell them you know they’re better than that. Or maybe their father should be the one to have this conversation with them. Things might not change as a result. But you never know.
Good luck.
Dear Ann Cannon • My book club never seems to talk about the book. They mostly just eat and vent about their husbands or ex-husbands. When I bring up the book, they hem and haw and then go back to talking about their lives. Should I just stop going?
— Loves Reading, Not Gossiping
Dear Loves Reading: Oh, book groups!
Does it make you feel better to know that you’re not the only person who feels this way? Just the other day I was with a friend who said she didn’t want to attend her book group that evening because less than half of the members would have bothered to read the book anyway. More often than not, she told me, evenings with her book group regularly turn into extended therapy sessions for one or more of the attendees. Which is fine, of course. If that’s what you need or want. Which YOU don’t.
So. To answer your question. Can you exit your book group stage left? Of course you can! There’s no law saying you have to stick with a group you attend voluntarily that isn’t meeting your needs. Your friends will no doubt be sad to see you go, but don’t let them guilt you into staying if you really don’t want to. They’ll move on and so will you.
In the meantime, think about finding a group where the focus is consistently on the book. They do exist. Check with your local library or bookstore to see if they sponsor groups open to the public. Or think about creating a new one yourself. Building a specific structure into your meetings — i.e. assigning someone to do a presentation on the book itself and lead the group in a discussion — can go a long way to keeping everyone on topic.
Happy reading!
Ann Cannon is The Tribune’s advice columnist. Got a question for Ann? Email her at askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.
