Dear Ann Cannon • I have a strong-minded daughter and daughter-in-law who won’t bury the hatchet from an argument years ago when we were all vacationing together. Both are lovely women in their own right. They live in different states and rarely see each other. I would love to have my family gather together again so grandchildren can know their cousins and aunts and uncles, but the rest of us worry about the uncomfortable feelings this has caused in the family. Any thoughts?
— Hesitant
Dear Hesitant • Oh gosh. FAMILIES! I once wrote a column about the dynamics of the weeklong extended-family vacation. On the first day, everybody is full of love and goodwill. Yay! You’re all together! You’ll probably gather around the campfire at night and roast marshmallows while singing Kumbaya! What could be better? But by the end of the week, flare-ups are likely to occur. Oh, yes. There will be flare-ups. Depending on the personalities involved, the flare-ups may be minor. Or not. It sounds as if the flare-up you describe generated some real seismic activity. I’m sorry. That reality does indeed make it difficult to think about getting everyone back together under the same roof.
What can you do? Here are a few ideas. Plan and extend an invitation for a reunion anyway. It’s a shame that the behavior of two people can hold everyone else hostage, although that happens frequently in these kinds of situations. You might try to do a little advance damage control by limiting the amount of time you actually spend together. Meet for a few days instead of for an entire week. Or here’s another idea. Since you want your grandchildren to see one another, think about having a reunion with just them. You know. Cousins Camp! That might work, too.
Meanwhile, I’d like to conclude with this observation. It seems to me that family matriarchs often take it upon themselves to “manage” everybody’s moods — to take responsibility for making everybody else happy. Does this describe you? Because it does describe me. The desire to be accommodating and agreeable can certainly create a net win for a group. But it’s important to remember that in the end, you can’t force others to be happy or pleasant. People have to decide to do that for themselves.
Best wishes!
Dear Ann Cannon • For whatever reason, my well-intentioned, slightly drama-loving grandmother has told certain members of my extended family that I do not like them, thus causing undue awkwardness. Family gatherings are weird and despite my best efforts to be kind and interested in these family members, I still get the “brick wall.” Any advice on how to settle the waters of family drama?
— Concerned Cousin
Dear Concerned • Wouldn’t it be awesome if you could just say straight up, “Grandmother, I wish you wouldn’t tell other family members that I don’t like them because that causes undue awkwardness”? And perhaps you can — only my guess is that she may not even know what you’re talking about. The older some of us get, the more entrenched certain behaviors become.
You could try talking to her anyway, just to see if you can get a clearer sense for what she’s saying about you and why. Or, if you feel like she’s created a problem between you and a family member you especially care about, seek out that family member and find out what’s going on. Finally, your instinct to be kind, even if your kindness is met with a “brick wall,” is a good one. Go with that whenever you can. Chances are your relatives may understand your grandmother’s innocent taste for drama better than you think they do.
Ann Cannon is The Tribune’s advice columnist. Got a question for Ann? Email her at askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.
