Dear Ann Cannon • All my life my brother has “one-upped” me whenever I got sick. He always has what I have, but worse. It’s become a family joke. Well, I’m just getting over breast cancer and he informed me that he’s going to have himself checked! It’s rare, he says, but men can get it, too. This time his craziness is not so funny. How do I let him know he’s just being mean?
— Can’t Believe It
Dear Can’t Believe It • Wow. Sounds like your brother does the “man cold” thing on steroids. You’ve heard of man colds … the phenomenon wherein the exact same cold virus always makes the guy in a relationship sicker than the woman. (See also “man flu.”) As you say, this behavior can be amusing. But in this case, the fact that your brother is using your serious illness as a springboard to launch his own hypochondria is particularly insensitive.
Generally speaking, there are two ways to deal with an issue that arises in most relationships. If you can live with it, then live with it. If you can’t, then say something — and try not to say it in anger because then the anger and not the substance of your complaint becomes the focus. It sounds as if you should say something — if for no reason than maybe he’ll at least stop talking about his potential breast cancer in front of you.
I truly wish you well on your continued journey to health.
Dear Ann Cannon • I feel embarrassed by this, but even though we’re both in our 60s now, I sometimes still feel envious of my younger brother. He is and always has been a very successful individual, both personally and professionally, and he and his wife have raised a beautiful family. I have great kids, too, but they’ve struggled more in all kinds of ways than their cousins have. My brother is a great guy who’s always good to me, so I feel guilty about these moments of jealousy I experience. Any suggestions for helping me overcome these feelings? Thanks so much.
— Don’t Wanna Feel This Way
Dear Don’t • Here’s what I think. You should give yourself some love for recognizing the fact that you ARE sometimes jealous and that you haven’t responded by trying to tear your brother or his family down to make yourself feel better — a strategy that may be rewarding in the moment, but that rarely works in the long run. This shows real emotional maturity on your part, so own it.
OK. You’ve asked for suggestions to help eliminate your feelings of jealousy, but I’m going to throw another idea out there. Why not just acknowledge and accept the fact that you feel this way sometimes? Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to act on those feelings — and especially not in ways that are destructive. How you behave is your choice. Acceptance is just an acknowledgment that you are human and that being human sometimes means you’re going to experience difficult, contradictory emotions.
One final thought. Acceptance can actually diminish the force of the feelings you’re experiencing — much more than suppressing them can. Sometimes trying to fight a feeling only gives it more power over you.
Hang in there.
Ann Cannon is The Tribune’s advice columnist. Got a question for Ann? Email her at askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.
