Dear Ann Cannon • I have been married nearly two decades. My husband’s job requires him to travel alone for long periods of time and for our family to move a lot. When he is working locally, his hours are weird and inconvenient for family time. I have been mom AND dad for years. There has never been infidelity on either of our parts, but I find myself no longer connected to this marriage. The old song “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’” feels like my current situation.
My husband still loves me. He still wants us to be together, but doing things together is not on his priority list. He likes things the way they are — comfortable and familiar. We’ve read books, gone through marriage training that his company has offered, etc. Is there anything I can do to find that love again? Our marriage is stagnant and I feel done. I hate this feeling. He has five years before he retires from his job. Can I make it? And then what?
— Lost in the USA
Dear Lost • If they’re being honest with themselves, most people in longtime marriages will probably admit that they’ve felt the same way you’re feeling right now. More than once, even. Way more than once, in fact. And yet many of them seem to discover ways to keep their marriages relevant. So yes. It IS possible to “find that love again,” although that love may not look exactly as it once did.
It sounds as if you’ve already done some of the things I’d recommend, i.e. attending workshops or couples therapy, as well as reading books designed to provide partners with healthy strategies for staying connected. It also sounds as if these things aren’t really working at the moment — perhaps because your husband is comfortable with the marriage as it is. For therapy to work, both partners need to sign on, right?
Change is hard — which is why I’m going to ask you the following questions. Are you committed to staying in your marriage if your husband can change? Are you yourself willing to change? If you’ve answered yes, then you must help your husband understand that change is necessary — that the future of your marriage depends upon it. At the very least, you need to spend more time together, as a couple and as a family.
I’d like to hear from readers who’ve been in this position themselves. What advice would they give? What steps did they take to move forward? Send your thoughts to me at acannon@sltrib.com.
Dear Ann Cannon • We have a great relationship with a former neighbor. She is very generous and every Christmas, she stops by and gives us a 40-pound box of local apples. The problem is that they are always partially rotten and I end up throwing at least a third of them away — the rest I quickly make into applesauce. My dilemma is, do I tell her that she is being ripped off and buying bad produce, or do I just graciously say thank you and make the most of what is edible into applesauce that I share with my neighbors? I want to remain …
— Not a Bad Apple
Dear Not a Bad Apple • My first observation here is that 40 pounds of apples sure is a lot of apples. My second observation is that I’m the wrong person to answer this question. Historically, I’ve been terrible at telling people things because I didn’t want them to feel embarrassed. Like, I didn’t correct my piano teacher when she first called me Diane, so that’s what she continued to call me the entire time we knew each other. I eventually solved the problem by moving out of state.
Having said this, if the situation were reversed, I’d want to know the truth, even if it momentarily embarrassed me. I’d rather call a person by the right name and I’d rather give my neighbor fresh produce. Do you think your former neighbor might feel the same way? If so, profusely thank her for her generosity, then mention the problem and follow up with another round of thanks. If, on the other hand, you think you might sincerely offend your well-intentioned neighbor by doing so, go with your second and (probably) safer social option. Good luck!
Ann Cannon is The Tribune’s advice columnist. Got a question for Ann? Email her at askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.
