Dear Ann Cannon • My good friend Sherlock smokes a pipe incessantly. There is no scientific evidence to support my growing suspicion that tobacco is harmful to human health, but I am (in a word) concerned. How can I persuade my good friend to put his pipe away?
— Dr. Watson
Dear Doctor • I’m not sure you can. You could try to hide his pipe, but he’d just find it anyway. Detectives are like that. Always finding stuff other people try hide. You know. Like bodies. Sorry I can’t be more helpful.
Dear Ann Cannon • My good lady wife has been sleepwalking through our castle as of late. Furthermore, she obsessively washes her hands while mumbling the words, “Out, damned spot! Out, I say!” Dost thou think she may be concealing something from me and the rest of Scotland?
— Macbeth
Dear Macbeth • Hey. Nice try trying to shift the blame on your woman there, dude. You know as well I do (along with every other kid in America who took a junior high English class) that she’s guilty. AND SO ARE YOU. #oopswekilledtheking
Dear Ann Cannon • Prithee, can you offer me some advice for dealing with our arrogant new neighbor, Mr. Darcy, who fancies that everyone in our village is beneath him?
— Elizabeth Bennet
Dear Liz • Here’s my prediction. He’ll eventually swallow his pride and you’ll get over your prejudice, at which point the two of you will discover that you are totally made for each other. Not only that, but one day the BBC will make a miniseries about your courtship starring Colin Firth wearing a wet shirt and the rest will be history.
Dear Ann Cannon • I’ve been told I’ll never grow up and, honestly, I don’t want to. However, I really do like this girl named Wendy. She’s so cute. But I’m afraid she’s going to grow up now that she’s gone back home. What can I do?
— Peter Pan
Dear Peter Pan • In the end boyish charm will only get you so far with the ladies. Time to think about growing up yourself.
Dear Ann Cannon • My sister Amy burned the only copy of a manuscript I’ve been working on for months now. How should I respond?
— Jo March
Dear Jo • Normally I would advise you to ask yourself if you bear any of the responsibility for the trouble between you and your little sister. But the truth is, snotty Amy was always my least favorite little woman, so just go ahead and pull her hair for me, OK?
Dear Ann Cannon • I miss my best friend Charlotte more than words can say. What should I do?
— Wilbur the Pig
Salutations, Wilbur! • Be patient. Charlotte did not forget you. You’ll see.
Dear Ann Cannon • I’ve been haunting my former business partner, Ebenezer Scrooge, in an effort to help him see the error of his ways before it’s too late. As of yet, I have not been successful. He’s still as stingy and mean-spirited as ever. Any suggestions?
— Jacob Marley
Dear Mr. Marley • Why not ask a few of your (past, present and future) friends to do you a solid and visit Scrooge, too? Boom! Problem solved. You’re welcome. And God bless us, every one!
Ann Cannon is The Tribune’s advice columnist. Got a question for Ann? Email her at askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.
