Dear Ann Cannon • I have a wonderful young adult child who has dealt with depression and anxiety since childhood. It has always been hard for me to separate myself from their pain during hard times. When they are suffering, I am also. This is getting harder, especially since I have other children, a husband and a job that also needs my full effort. How can I separate myself so I can support my child and be empathetic without suffering myself? I’ve recently been told that a parent is only as happy as their saddest child, but that didn’t help at all. Thank you.
— A Mother
Dear Mother • Yeah. It didn’t help when somebody said that to me either. There’s some truth to the saying, of course. It’s a terrible thing to watch a child of any age suffer. And I’m so sorry that this is part of your family’s story. But allowing yourself to become undone when a child comes undone isn’t healthy for anyone. You must take care of yourself while you’re also taking care of your child.
I posed your question to a variety of individuals who are dealing with the same issue in their families. Here are some of their suggestions:
Join a support group. You can find one either online or through organizations like NAMI UTAH (www.namiut.org). It’s helpful to know you’re not alone and that you can learn how to manage your challenges by connecting with others in the same situation.
Practice “mindfulness” as a way to reduce your own anxiety. Check out websites like www.mindfulnessutah.com and self-compassion.org for information and help.
Exercise regularly to clear your head and lift your spirits.
Actively notice (and note) the things about your life that ARE going well in spite of your child’s mental health issues. Deliberately decide not to let the hard parts of your life blind you to the good stuff there — because there is good stuff there. Get a notebook and jot those things down.
And as long as you’re jotting things down, make a list of small pleasures — walking the dog, meeting a friend for coffee, reading a book — that are readily available to you. Pursue at least one or two of them a day.
And as long as you’re making lists, keep a gratitude journal. As a friend of mine who suffers from depression and anxiety says, keeping a gratitude journal helps her at least half the time. Which is better than nothing, right?
Ask yourself if you REALLY need to do all the things you’re doing for your child. Do you REALLY need to answer the phone EVERY time he or she calls? If the child is in crisis, then the answer is probably “yes.” But if the child isn’t in crisis and you feel the need to take a break, then by all means take a break. Establishing some boundaries will give you breathing room and help keep you from burning out.
Remind yourself that as much as you love your child, you can’t “fix” him or her. You can love family members going through difficult times, but in the end it’s their journey — as unfair as that may seem. But, in a strange way, it’s a journey that affords your child an opportunity to grow and gain a hard-won wisdom many of us will never have. There can be some comfort in that thought.
Also remind yourself that none of the above is easy to do at first. But have faith in the process and in yourself. Keep at it.
I wish you and your family all the best.
Ann Cannon is The Tribune’s advice columnist. Got a question for Ann? Email her at askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.
