Dear Ann Cannon • Our mother announced at Sunday dinner last week that for her 70th birthday (next week), she’s going to get a tattoo. I never would have guessed that tattoos are her style, but fine. As far as I’m concerned, she’s earned the right to do whatever she wants to do. My sister, on the other hand, thinks Mom will regret getting one and feels like we should try to talk her out of it. Also, I think she’s annoyed that Mom made the announcement in front of the grandkids — at least the ones who were at dinner. I’m pretty sure she wants Mom to set “a good example.” Frankly, I don’t think the grandkids care too much one way or the other. (It seems like nobody over the age of 20 is very interesting to them, especially if they’re family members.) Anyway, I’m curious. What’s your take about this?
— Surprised by Mother
Dear Surprised • I’m always happy to talk about tattoos and the seniors who want them. Not that the opportunity often presents itself.
With your permission, I put the question out there on Facebook to give people (including Vladimir Putin, apparently) a chance to sound off. Most of them enthusiastically agreed that if your mother wants a tattoo, she ought to “go for it,” although as one reader pointed out, she should make sure the tattoo artist spells everything correctly. Even those who were troubled by the scenario of a 70-year-old having ink done maintained your mother should do whatever she wants to do. In the words of one reader, it’s “her body, her choice.” I completely agree.
Dear Ann Cannon • I have two teenagers — a daughter and a son. I try so hard to be involved in their lives and talk with them about what is going on, but the son (14) just grunts one-word answers and the daughter (16) is constantly embarrassed by me and treats me as if I am as dumb as a rock. I realize that teenagers aren’t fully developed and I fully expect their moodiness. My question is this: How do I personally deal with the daily teenage drama and moodiness and the poor way they treat me without getting angry or having my feelings hurt? How much bad behavior do you let slide and chalk up to hormones?
— Walking on Eggshells These Days
Dear Walking • I never read a single parenting book until our oldest became a teenager. And then I devoured “Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall” by Anthony E. Wolf. That title says it all, right?
Wolf taught me that the business of adolescence is to separate and that this necessary journey simultaneously terrifies and exhilarates our kids, which is why their behavior toward us can be so hard to read. They need us! They don’t need us! OK, they really, really need us but they really, really hate that they need us! Wait! Are you kidding?! THEY DON’T NEED US! All of this internal drama can manifest itself as silence or irritability or even anger. In fact, the more attached a child feels to a parent, the rockier the separation can be.
Bottom line. Much of the nastiness exhibited by teenagers isn’t particularly personal. I know it’s tough to take comfort in that thought during rough moments, but there it is. So make the decision beforehand not to let your feelings get hurt. Easy to say, I know. Doesn’t always work. But still.
Meanwhile, continue to give your kids space. However, you’re within your rights to calmly (if possible) call out behavior toward you personally that crosses a line.
Hang in there. It gets better, says the woman who had five teenagers of her own.
Do you have a question for Ann? Email her at askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.
