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Rap Sheet: Final tally of The Doctor's crimes

Published November 19, 2013 9:27 am

This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2013, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Disclaimer: The should not be taken as any form of legal counsel or guidance; there may be errors in interpretation of the law and there may be crimes and violations missing from this list. I am not an officer or an attorney; I am a movie fan with a blog.

Here at The Salt Lake Tribune's crime blog, I tally the crimes characters commit and evaluate what potential sentence they could serve for them. In the lead up to the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary, I'm taking on the oncoming storm himself — and since I do not have the time to review the Time Lord's decades-long continuity, I've narrowed the focus to Matt Smith's Eleventh Doctor. You can check out part one here.

When we left off, the bow tie-loving Doctor had destroyed a shed, stolen a fire engine, a mop, a fez and a priceless museum artifact (to name a few), kidnapped a child and blown up part of a Cybermen fleet. Whatever he condemns his earlier, John Hurt-portrayed self for doing, it must have been pretty terrible to earn the condescension of a man with that kind of record. And the Eleventh Doctor's rap sheet is not even finished yet. Here is the second half of the run down, completing series six and going through series seven.

The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe

Criminal trespass • The Doctor breaks into a Dorset house and poses as a caretaker.

Child kidnapping • The Doctor takes Lily Arwell to another planet without her mother's consent.

Dinosaurs on a Spaceship

Homicide • The Doctor kills Solomon, the exotic black market trader.

A Town Called Mercy

Kidnapping and attempted homicide • The Doctor drags Jex across town and pushes him across The Gunslinger's line, knowing the cyborg intends to get revenge on the alien.

The Snowmen

Unlawful detention • The Doctor traps the ice governess under ice crystals.

The Bells of Saint John

Criminal mischief • The Doctor breaks Miss Kizlet's window with the anti-gravity motorbike and fake Doctor.

Kidnapping • The Doctor uploads Miss Kizlet to the server.

Hide

Impersonation of an officer • The Doctor pretends to be military intelligence to gain access to Caliburn Mansion.

Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS

Three counts of kidnapping • The Doctor locks the three members of the salvage crew inside the TARDIS until they find Clara.

Terroristic threats • The Doctor threatens to blow the TARDIS, and the crew members with it.

Nightmare in Silver

Impersonation of an officer • The Doctor pretends to be an ambassador to gain access to the military occupation of Hedgewick's World of Wonders.

So just how much prison time is Smith's Doctor looking at?

There is no way of knowing how many Cybermen were on the ships that The Doctor at least conspired to destroy in "A Good Man Goes to War," so for the sake of simplicity and calculation, let's count that as 30 homicides. Cybermen may be mostly machine, but there is still a person somewhere deep down inside! That said, for his at least 59 crimes committed across time and space, The Eleventh Doctor would face up to 176 years in prison, on top of 34 life sentences.

Even for a Time Lord, that might feel like a long stay. If he wants to avoid that, he best take Clara Oswald's advice and run.

Then of course, there is whatever John Hurt's incarnation did that was so terrible, he could not do it in the name of The Doctor. I suppose we will all see for ourselves what that was this weekend.

— Michael McFall