This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

We got lucky in Orlando, Fla., and Salt Lake City. Lines at TSA checkpoints did not rat maze through the airport, extend out the door and stretch over the horizon.

In Salt Lake City, we were through security in under 20 minutes. We would have made it through sooner if I hadn't pestered the agents with important questions.

For example, going through the body scanner, I asked the TSA agent operating the machine how much of my highly personal detail the scan revealed.

Me: "Can you tell if I might be Jewish?"

Agent: "Move along, sir."

My wife pushed me out the other side of the scanner. During her scan, she apologized profusely to the agent, telling him that I suffered from a job-related head injury.

Her: "He works for a news ..."

Agent: "We know who he is, ma'am. Just do your best with him."

I know airport security checkpoints are a major aggravation these days. It's understandable that tempers fray and people become nuts. I just don't see where it makes the situation better by taking it out on the security agents.

I wouldn't be a TSA agent for five times what they pay them. Ten times. Just the thought of having to put up with people like me for an entire shift makes me nauseous.

Throw self-important corporate execs, politicians, teenagers and pet lovers in the mix, and the most dangerous part of air travel would be the security spot where I worked. I say this because I'd behave just like the passengers.

Passenger: "My dog Pookums is an emotional service animal, you brute. He will NOT be traveling in a cage."

Me: "That's OK, ma'am. We here at TSA are quite capable of turning the inside of your butt into a pet carrier. C'mere, Pookums."

While Salt Lake was relatively easy, going through security in Orlando was tougher. For one thing, there were way more people. Worse, nearly everyone in line had just come off a Disney cruise or a trip to Disney World.

Done with long lines, we were on our last nerves and in no mood to be messed with, and by this I especially mean my wife.

Her: "Keep your mouth shut. Just once, let us get on a plane without making them call a supervisor."

After 40 years of marriage, I am familiar with that moment when just one more word will turn my wife into a blond werewolf. After I had kept my mouth shut until we were over Kansas, she let me have some cookies and juice.

Much as we hate to admit it, air travel is going to become more frustrating until the government comes up with a fix for the long lines. It's probably a more complicated issue than most of us think.

Many people have offered angry suggestions about how to fix things, but I trust outraged advice-givers a lot less than I do the government, which I don't trust much at all.

If I may, I suggest TSA solve our problem by requiring the airlines to reactivate old aircraft. Travelers would be allowed to board these express flights with no security screening at all.

For an extra $50 per ticket, frantic fliers would need only a boarding pass to climb aboard. No checks, searches or disrobing. We could bring as much luggage as we wanted. Animals, compressed gases, fluids, plague-carriers anything goes. It's a risk worth the convenience. Right?

Later, when the guy in the next seat holding a carry-on that looks suspiciously like a 105mm howitzer round connected to a battery starts sweating, you can stop worrying about being late or inconvenienced. You will definitely be on time for what comes next.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley