This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2014, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
Editor's note: Robert Kirby is on vacation. This is a reprint of an earlier column.
Weeks of ye old yule song classics have worn me out. It's about time we updated them. When was the last time anyone really went dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh?
Most irritating of all are Christmas carols sung by celebrities, little more than their way of staying on radio play lists during the holidays. Does anyone really feel all Christmassy when Keith Richards sings about Santa coming to town?
So far, I've been able to keep my cool. But things may change if I hear Michael Jackson put his moves on "Away in a Manger."
What the world needs now are Christmas songs that reflect the holiday spirit as we know it today. Someone should do something about it.
Kirbco announces the Reality Christmas Album. For just $49.99 you get 20 of your favorite holiday tunes performed and sung by The Larry Erdmann Cat Squeezer Band. Among them are:
THE FIRST NO SALE • Very apropos tune for this time of year. Try it: "The first 'no sale' my credit card did bring was in Mervyn's while buying my mistress a ring."
BOY, DID I HURL • A perfect song for those hung over from a night of riotous partying. It's just the tune you need to bring up the last of that pizza and sour eggnog.
OH LITTLE TOWN OF BEDLAM • A song to sing in a holding tank after the cops raided aforesaid party. Can also be sung while trying to get half a dozen sugar-wired kids into bed without hurting them.
OFF OF THE HOUSE FLOP • A two-part harmony. Sung while experiencing the brisk joys of shoveling reindeer droppings off the roof, or pitching headlong over the edge while setting up the lights.
PARK THE HARRIED ANGLES • A tune that celebrates the Christmas spirit of mall parking by customers so fed-up that they are willing to park on top of each other.
VIOLENT NIGHT • Anyone who finally discovers at 3 a.m. Christmas morning that Flange A definitely does not go into Slot H even with a #*&@! hammer knows exactly how this song is sung
ARREST ALL YE MERRY GENTLEMEN • A carol sung by cops who plan on getting even for being stuck working the big day instead of being home with their families.
IT CAME UPON NEXT YEAR • A tune for anyone waiting for gifts that weren't mailed in time.
DEFROST WON'T BLOW, MAN • Sing this one for sanity as you chip away at an ice-covered windshield with fingernails and a library card. Better yet, try singing it to the cop who pulls you over on the freeway for driving while peering through a pinhole etched in the frost.
I SAW DADDY KISSING SANTA CLAUS • We're just trying to stay current here at Kirbco.
BLINGLE BELL ROCK • A rock and roll carol about a girl who doesn't want the Christmas engagement ring her boyfriend bought because it's a cubic zirconium.
LAYAWAY IN SOME DANGER • A sober song about Christmas items that are at risk of being put back out on the floor because customers haven't finished paying for them yet.
NOTE: The 2004 Reality Christmas Album is not sold in stores. Void where prohibited by law.
Find The Essential Kirby Canon at Zion Bookworks, http://www.zionbookworks.com/new-from-robert-kirby.